Public Displays of Affection

India has a conservative culture. Or at least that's what our guidebook says. In most of our books on Asian countries, there's always a little part that warns against public displays of affection. It usually says something like, "kissing or hand holding will be frowned upon." Funny that defecating in the streets is almost encouraged over here, but kissing your wife will earn you disapproving looks.

So I'm always a but wary about any PDA with the wife. Sometimes, we'll be holding hands and I'll think to myself, "should I be doing this?" I always feel a little guilty, as if I really am offending people. And maybe I am, just no one has ever scolded me for it. I don't know what I'm so worried about though, it's not like the PDA police are going to come arrest us for an innocent peck on the cheek.

Or are they?

You'd think we were guilty by the way they look at Sarah. Leering might be a better word. I know that Western women are perceived to be easy (thank you, Hollywood) but that's my wife you're staring at buddy. My wife who is dressed conservatively in a loose Indian-theme shirt and jeans and certainly not trying to attract attention. My wife who is walking with her also conservatively dressed "just trying to fit in" husband. The same husband who is now giving you dirty looks, sir, because now you are REALLY staring at her and making her very uncomfortable.

Maybe it's because we're just walking side by side that draws the stares. You never see Indian couples just taking a stroll. It's always packs of women or two guys walking together. And here's what's strange about the guys. Lots of times, they're holding hands. It's not a gay thing, it's just two buddies holding hands walking together. Obviously, it's cultural and that's cool, but doesn't that fall under the category of public display of affection?

Maybe it's time to rewrite the guidebooks.

-Brendan

Comments

I live in New Delhi, and let me tell you I have had some of the same experiences that you have, but I would like to read about some of the good experiences you have had in India thus far. You cannot compare the lifestyle in developing countries with the luxuries that you enjoy at home. Yes, India is polluted, its gross, its full of leprosy and every other disease imaginable, yes personal hygiene seems to be overlooked. But basing your entire blog entry around the problems you encounter isn't going to make it go away and it doesn't display any of your original thought. I would like to hear about some of the positives in India because there are many, let me tell you. Learn to look past the exterior of a country and try to learn about the people, the customs and the rich traditions it has to offer.

Well put, Anjana. A couple blogs here and there about cultural differences that get on your nerves is one thing, but you guys make India sound like the garbage dump of the world and it's just getting offensive.

And yes, I have lived in India so I'm not just spouting off about a place I've never been to. I get leered at and hooted at in American just as much as I do in India.

I'd be careful of anyone staring at my wife. You are a traveler and could be considered easy targets. Kind of crappy to think about, but worth considering.

I agree with Anjana and Sam about India... you will miss out on the wonderful experience that is India if you focus on the negatives! Being an Indo Canadian, I've had Canadian friends (not of Indian descent) who have gone to India and have absolutely loved it! Gotta take off the blinders, interact and just absorb the beauty that is India.

I totally agree with Anjana and Sam. If you have so many problems to deal with, then just get out of the place. Why badmouth about the place and the people you losers !!

As far as guys holding hands here is considered, they are not aware of your gay-lesbian culture Sir. So its totally ok to hold hands and express brotherly feelings. Since you are pointing out trivial things, I guess I need to ask you this. Does your wife think that its gross if you hold your dad's hand. Got you thinking ain't I?

Yes Chanchal, I would think it was gross if Brendan held his dad's hand. So would Brendan. So would Brendan's dad. Is that the answer you were looking for?

This blog is about the relationship between Brendan and me as we spend a year traveling the world. I thought that was obvious from the get-go, but perhaps it needs to be explained. We're both using recent scenarios to illustrate how we're learning about one another day by day. This blog is not about which countries are great and which countries suck (we have our own travel blogs for that). It's really about our marriage and our life as newlyweds. Maybe if you try to read our posts from that angle, you'll get more out of them?

If you still think we're losers, I can think of lots of other websites where you'd probably be happier.
:)

I guess seeing my country from your eyes is giving it new dimension. We don't notice the squalor in that intensity because it doesn't strike us. However, I'd have to admit that there's a lot more to India than what I can read on your blog so far. Maybe it would help to get past whatever you've been feeling (i term it as an overwhelming awareness of your surroundings) and see the country for what it is beneath the surface. I'm sure you'll find many many things to write home about, and happily at that.

PS: When we're reading about our homes in a public profile, it ceases to remain a "blog about our maariage", it becomes our virtual journey with you guys. Otherwise, a private diary might well suffice, nein?

Rock on.

Sarah,
I agree with your point. This is a blog on what you encounter and not what country is better or worse. USA has problems too. I read your blog to understand what you encounter as a married couple and the different areas you visited.

People read way too much into it and think you are criticizing it. News Flash - they are not. Just pointing out differences. Rock on, you guys! Love the blog and what you guys see in your eyes as a newlywed couple!

How are they supposed to describe an entire country in a few paragraphs?

People are touchy these days aren't they?

They had a negative experience, and it was interesting, so they posted about it.

I'd rather hear some negatives than nothing but teddy bears and kittens.

Although I do think that we need to see some pictures of some Indian Kittens. My wife and I like to see how different they look around the world.

I see Sarah's point as well. Honestly, if you're here to criticize what Sarah and Brendan write about, why don't you go surf other sites which will make you happy?
Sarah and Brendan, I think you guys rock! I've never been to India but I've heard from my friends about how unhygienic some places are so be careful not to catch any diseases. Keep up the good work and I can't wait to read more of your blogs! :)

I say, read it for what it is and stop trying to turn the newlywed blog in to the great things about India blog. When I first got to Kenya, I noticed the noise, garbage and the smell, it was overwhelming. By the time I left, I cried because I couldn't stay longer.

Brendan, as long as you keep the PDA to a minimum the locals tend to give you a free pass - they know your not from there! In Kenya, the Kenyas would laugh and shake their heads because the Americans were doing or saying something a local would never do or say. We learned about them and they learned about us.

On another note, I encountered the staring thing. It was just me (at the time a single female) What we call staring, they just called "looking". So I just stared back and all was fine.

 

Wow. What strikes me about these comments is the loss of the concept that this is YOUR blog. If iVillage chooses to pay you for YOUR blog through advertising, that's an arrangement between YOU and iVillage. You clearly already know you don't owe anybody anything here, but it is worth reminding folks. I enjoy YOUR blog, but I also know that I am just a visitor here. Perspective, people! It really is a universal theme!

You guys write what comes to your mind and have amazing sense of humour. That was the main reason I got hooked onto your blog.

But when you were in other Southeast Asian countries you never spoke ill about the conditions there or about the people. Then why single out India. If you read the posts about India I have not noticed anything that describes your relationship with one another. All I read is how hot Delhi is, how people keep staring at you, how its filled with filth, poverty etc etc.

I agree that conditions cannot be hunky dory all the time, but what I want to say is learn to look past the exterior and experience the culture, the tradition, the warmth and the togetherness that we have for each other here. I'm sure you will be able to witness a different India then.

I'm not here to criticize what Sarah-Brendan writes about. All I'm saying is be considerate towards other people's feelings.

Damn you Westerners !! You guys are pretentious. You come to a developing country and make fun of the place and the people. And people back home appreciate you for that. Wow !! Should I say bravo and applaud you guys for your writing skills which does nothing but state the obvious. Oh you also get paid for the b****** you write. You stinkers.

Why don't you all just go take a jump?

wow, the comments got really intense huh? Anyway, I think PDA that is considered offensive is more like necking and feeling your wife up in public. That would make us, a country of 1 billion or so people really uncomfortable. Holding hands though is kind of sweet. Really. Don't worry about it.
The staring, meh, learn to ignore it. I'm pretty sure that not everyone is mentally jumping Sarah, but foreigners are still a novelty. Relax.
We're a pretty nice bunch.

To Chanchal and company,

I really think you've missed the point of THIS blog. Since when did their blog have to cater to other people's feelings? I mean really! This blog is about them traveling as newlyweds and the highs and lows that come with that. If you are looking for something else, you might be interested in reading their OTHER blog where they write more about their travel experiences. Otherwise the comments in THIS blog are uncalled for.

Please people!!! It never was a reflection on India until you guys made it one!

Monica,
You hit the nail on the head! This is THEIR blog. If you (the offended ones) want to write a blog about India and its culture, then go for it.

Sarah and Brendan - you two just write what you see and keep it real!

I guess this matter has heated up. I understand that u cannot love every place u visit and i understand this is UR blog and i know its mainly written for the western fans n so u hardly care abt wat asians think. So keep it up. U dont need to be told.

have a safe journey

Next time someone makes you feel uncomfortable by frowning on your Western culture of male/female public hand-holding, just embrace the local culture of public spitting.

Sounds to me like they were practicing eve teasing.

The July 21st post on: erasmus-in-india.blogspot.com talks about this.

Ok, so they think India sucks. It's their opinion. They don't need to MAKE it seem like they are enjoying it when they clearly are not. And if that offends you, no one is MAKING you read this blog.
Just because YOU are offended and they change what they are saying to please you, that doesn't make their actual perception of the country change. They would still think it sucks. Leave them alone.

If they think it sucks, then no one is asking them to stay back. Isn't it common sense to get out of the place. Instead of pointing that Mr.Mik aka MORON you are again supporting their thoughts. What can I say you guys are all very low in IQ and common sense. You are all bunch of losers who don't know how to survive and blame the place and the people. If you happened to be a buffalo or a bison or any other animal for matter that you would have been eaten by a predator. Remember survival of the fittest is the mantra here not cribbing.

If you already paid for the place you're staying at, you're most likely gonna stay. They may also have an itinerary that they need to stick to in terms of which countries they visit. You can't just hop from country to country at your whim. Not only that maybe they are staying to make the best of it and find something enjoyable about the place. But don't get angry at them as well us who support their opinions. Using something the you said: It's a lot easier for YOU to get out of here and stop reading than for them to get out of India. Or maybe that thought never crossed your mind. It doesn't take too much sense to know that if you don't like it, don't read it. Leave. But I wouldn't expect someone who can't respect Sarah and Brendan's opinions to respect mine.

By the way... It's MS.Mik *rolls eyes*

Sorry sarah, brendan, everyone
I've been a self-righteous bitch. I'm, the moron :(