Know Their Limits

When you're traveling with your spouse, you become acutely attuned to their limitations. What they can and cannot deal with. How far they are able to stretch their comfort level. Precisely when they will snap if pressed or cornered, either by you or a third party. It's really quite interesting.

Brendan is usually pretty good with hawkers (AKA people who want to sell us things and do not care if they appear desperate in the process of making that sale). Whereas I fell that a firm "no, thank you" right off the bat is the best way to let my intentions be known and not lead anyone on, Brendan prefers to be kind and say things like "oh, I don't know, hmm" and "yes ok, maybe later", even though he is positive that he won't feel differently later. His heart's in the right place, and he's really quite a softy, which I love. But the man does have limitations.

Limitation #1: We are approached while eating.
We're traveling for a year and we aren't carrying a propane tank, so obviously we have to eat out several times a day, every single day. Because so far we've generally chosen warm, topical locations, usually our dining choices consist of roadside food stalls and outdoor cafes, neither of which provide a walled-in buffer zone against street hawkers. However, as soon as my husband makes a conscious decision to eat, he feels entitled to that buffer zone. It's like his personal space needs spontaniously quadruple and he must protect his lunch with the ferocity of a wild dog. The sellers don't want his food (only his dollars) but that doesn't matter. Once there's food present, instead of "oh, isn't that a pretty necklace, well, how bout I think about it?" you are more likely to hear "no, for god's sake I'm eating now get the beep out of here!" followed by a threatening wave of the hand and a low, lingering growl.

Limitation #2: He is physically touched at any point of attempted sale.
Americans are not touchy-feely as a rule. We like privacy and hate to be crowded. In the U.S., you just don't go around making phycial contact with a stranger without first knowing for certain they they won't perform a citizen's arrest on you and try to sue you afterward. Five months of travel has taughts us Americans that the rest of the world is not as uptight about touching as we are. For example, in many Asian countries, two straight men walking hand-in-hand down the street is completely normal (it took us a while to figure out that the entire male population of Laos is not, in fact, gay). Brendan finds it all very amusing...that is, until someone touches him. It's bad enough when a small, rotten-toothed girl tugs on his pants leg repeatedly while he examines her basket full of string bracelets, but when a grown man puts his arm around Brendan as they discuss bus ticket options, watch the beep out.

Limitation #3: He feels unnecessarily insulted.
Obviously nobody wants to feel insulted. But Brendan takes it very personally when sellers try to mask their true intentions of getting us to buy something like a taxi ride by getting to know us first, so they they can tailor their advertisements accordingly. For example, a "hello, where are you from?" is usually followed by "and where are you staying?" which in turn opens the door for "and where did you go today?" which leaves room to ask "and how long do you visit here?" That way, seller knows that we have not yet seen the volcano, but are still in town long enough to see it, and will almost definitely see it because we're American and therefore wealthy and have come really, really far, and if we say we'll think about it, he knows where we're staying and will show up there later. This sort of duplicity is insulting to Brendan, even though he's not actually being duped. He wants to hear "I'm a taxi driver, and I will take you to the volcano for $10" rather than engage in friendly banter designed to lower his defenses while emptying his wallet. His is not an unreasonable preference, but it is rarely honored. Which is insulting.

I can only hope that by testing Brendan's limitations now, we will be better equipped to survive three months in India later. I can only hope.

-Sarah

Comments

Well its nice of him to try and not be mean.btw I went out to eat tonight and there was a cardboard standup that looked just like you in the place beside the restaurant we were at.I was like dang that looks just like Sarah only the standup had a bigger nose than you.It was strange.

As a wise woman told me--All men are different all husbands are the same!

you guys are neglecting your own sites to post here ,what up?!

Where are the pictures??

SE Asia is good practice for India which will be far, far more taxing. Be prepared to be stared at constantly. I never realized how interesting I was until I went to India.

LOVE this post! I can totally hear both of you saying these comments even though I've yet to meet you guys.

I do not agree with Dani's comment on Indian's staring. Generally Indians are conservative in dressing and if you are covered reasonably you will not get stared at except for the natural curiosity of a foreigner.

Funny you mentioned that... people in Asia are very affectionate with each other. I was from there and walking hand in hand with the same sex it doesn't mean that you're gay. When the first time I got to U.S about 20 yrs ago I hold my friend hand and she ask me not to do it. Now, I know why..

What most people don't realize about hawkers in SE Asia is that the best way to get them to leave you alone is to IGNORE THEM!

We have been taught that when someone speaks to you, you respond to them. Well, a hawker takes a response as an invitation to keep bothering you, thinking you'll cave at some point.

IGNORE THEM, DO NOT RESPOND. If you act as if they're not there, they go away really fast! It doesn't feel polite to the North American mind, but it'll save you so much hassle.